I have been feeling soulless for quite a while, not just for a year, but much longer.
It might sound somewhat abstract. What does it feel like?
It's the feeling of being unable to love, to understand love, to be present, and to grasp even the most nuanced aspects of myself.
I still have my goals and targets to hit, as my friend might put it, "unwavering determination and fearful mental strength". Or the doomslayer dev mode: ”They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse. Rip and tear, until it is done." However, my heart tells me that it feels like trying to awaken a corpse, expecting it to respond and move.
The harm wasn't only mental; it extended to the physical realm as well. I don't often feel tired or exhausted. The consequence of not being fully present led to injuries. Even when I'm upset, I can quickly recover and mend myself. Yet, when you're passionate about CrossFit, losing focus increases the likelihood of getting injured.
Another aspect I despise about feeling soulless is how I perceive work and products. It switches your mind into passive mode. It's not that I'm constantly negative in my thoughts. Rather, I struggle to think optimally to solve problems, something I know I'm capable of when I'm at my best.
And it's not as if I neglect self-care either. In fact, I put in great effort to take care of myself. I eat regularly with a balanced intake of various food categories. I engage in training, workouts, and meditation. I find solace in religious practices. I work in a peaceful manner. Yet, I still feel soulless.
Mark once mentioned that someone on the brink of obsession might neglect self-care and healthy habits, making them an unsuitable partner. Thus, one should choose a partner wisely. I certainly don't fall into that category, though I'm also not on the cusp of fixating on a specific person.
The inability to love or more like -- the quest of soulmate
It's hard. Sometimes I barely feel anything about anyone, even when they once ignited a spark within me – the feeling quickly dissipates, leaving only a sense of warm friendship. This numbing of my emotions hurts even more than feeling unloved.
Love also sounds quite intense. Perhaps "liking" is a more appropriate term. Is it absurd to discuss this while I lack the capacity to truly "love" at this point in my life?
I'm certain that this emptiness isn't about finding someone to fill a void, but about delving deeper into understanding myself. Perhaps it involves ceasing the nightly cries to myself, mustering a smile for others, and reassuring them that everything will be alright.
As an aquarius, we don't want just another beautiful human being or someone well-accomplished.
Our perpetual quest is soulmate.
Some people defined soulmate as someone you can be vulnerable in front of them. But our definition of soulmate is much larger. It's someone can be crazy with us and about us. Someone we have endless things to talk about and interested in our crazy thoughts. It's someone always curious about the world...And the list goes on.
But who knows. I don't even know how I think. Maybe this is just another Lois in a parallel universe shouting to the void, much like everyone else on Twitter. Lois has no state management installed to allow stable emotions, and "love", "like", "maybe", "not sure", and "nuh" are all just random states that Lois can be in at any given second, as well as "soulless" and "soulful".
The quest of soul is not about finding someone, but the agonising process of self-discovery.